A Sunny Smile

Connecting in a new place can be scary. Even if you are generally well liked, the question of whether you will be accepted can raise fears of rejection. Columnist Jenny Baxter explores how to be mindful of others.

It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light, it scattered the night, and made the day worth living!     Anonymous

I have a vivid recollection of my first day at Girl Guides. I was about eleven years old and graduating from Brownies. As my dad dropped me off at the church hall, he asked, “Will I come in with you Jen?” He knew it could be difficult.

I shook my head. “No thanks. I’ll be okay.” Bravely I hopped out of the car and walked into the unfamiliar building. I knew no one, but was confident new friends were inside. Anyway, I didn’t want to hold my dad’s hand. I was going to be a Guide!

However, as soon as I walked in, my bravery vanished. I didn’t know what to do. Up the front of the hall a couple of the leaders and some older Guides chatted. I had no idea how to break into the circle. So I hung around up the back. I felt very conspicuous in my tan-coloured Brownie gear, as girls in their lovely grown-up-looking blue uniforms arrived. As they walked in they looked at me quizzically and then gathered with the others up the front.

Some started to play games and it looked like fun, but I froze to the spot, feeling very awkward. After what seemed like an age, one of the older girls came up. “Are you Jenny?” I nodded with relief. Someone knew my name! “Come on,” she smiled, “I’ll introduce you to some of the girls”

Relax—its normal!
Have you ever felt awkward as you move into a group for the first time? Everyone feels a level of anxiety for those ‘firsts’. Your first day at school, your first day at the tennis club, your first day at work or your first day at a new church—you can probably recall many uneasy moments.

I have learnt over the years that feeling uncomfortable in a new group is perfectly normal. Some people even break out in a cold sweat or feel nauseous! When I arrived at Guides, my confidence disappeared and I became incapacitated. Thank goodness for the girl who broke the ice, most likely as requested by a leader. Suddenly, I was not ‘on the outer’. I was welcomed in.

Why it is difficult
We humans yearn for connection—even ‘loners’ have a deep need for relationship. We all long to be seen and known, valued and loved. This desire is inherent within everyone. Even tiny babies in their first weeks of life seek communication.

However, there is also an inherent barrier to communication and connection. You see it when people get left out of conversations, or teenage girls complain that they ‘don’t fit in’. We crave closeness, and yet we hold back.

This leads to an interesting tension. On the one hand we desire relationship, to know and be known; and on the other we struggle to connect with people on a meaningful level. It is not easy to cross this divide. Frequently, it feels easier to turn a blind eye. The outcome is that people feel unnoticed and neglected. There were many Guides who walked into the hall without acknowledging me. It required someone very pro-active to get past the automatic response to leave me alone.

The opposite is also true. I really struggled to get past that barrier too. Perhaps if I had been aware of this, I would have made the effort to ignore my emotional response, walk up the front and say, “Hello”.

A warm welcome
Have a think about the last time you felt really comfortable within a group situation. Most likely, it felt like this:
• You knew everyone
• You knew what was expected of you
• You were aware of the routine—what was going to happen when
• You felt confident and relaxed
• It was easy to have fun

Now imagine if someone new enters that same group.
Probably this new person:
• Does not know everyone
• Has no idea what is expected of them
• Is unaware of the routine
• Does not feel confident or relaxed
• Could have fun, but only after these other things have been resolved

So next time you are in a place where someone new arrives, take notice! Offer them a sunny smile and introduce them to others. Let them know what will happen next. Be gracious. Acknowledge them and welcome them in. You could be chatting to your next best friend!

Jenny Baxter
Editor, Christian Woman Magazine, www.christianwoman.com.au
Co-author, Time to Shine, www.arkhousepress.com

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