Knowing Your Worth

Do you struggle with performance and achievement? Does it define who you and shape your self worth?

Contributor Jane Davey shares from personal experience that knowing who you are and your true worth is not based on what you do.

By Jane Davey

I was recently tidying-up in the kitchen with all sorts of thoughts mulling around in my head. For some reason my mind wandered to when I was a child and people would compliment my Dad on how good I was.  An example would be when I went on a sleep-over.

Dad would be proud but he never really grasped the value of the affirmation. It could be a British trait but in general compliments in my family tended to be joked about, not accepted or really acknowledged. My father’s response would invariably be ‘Oh she’s not bad I hope she has been behaving herself, I hope she has washed your dishes and been giving you a hand and not been too much trouble’. He would say this tongue-in-cheek knowing I was always a very good child and seeking to help. Dad genuinely meant no harm but somehow I spent most of my childhood subconsciously assessing myself on whether or not I was good enough or had done enough to please others to feel okay about myself.

For women in particular I believe this can sometimes become a way of living for life. We can constantly try to prove our worth by what we do. If we do well at work; if our kids are well-behaved and academic stars… if our homes and finances are well managed and we feel successful; we can then give ourselves permission to feel okay.

We have those ‘Dad voices’ in our subconscious and a whole list of answers to prove our worth. When be become adults, society reinforces ‘Dad’. Casually in conversations we will admire those who are virtual Wonder Women and talk about people being ‘worth a fortune’.

What a trap! The truth of the matter is we have value …just because. We are fascinating, priceless, unique individuals with a unique purpose, who can love and be loved.

 When my kids were small and I was hormonal, I couldn’t cope with cooking dynamic dinners and my house looked like a ransacked toy-shop! I felt a failure because I couldn’t do what “ought” to be done if I was to be seen as a “good mum”.

Later in life I became ill and disabled, my world felt like it had collapsed initially. Not only was I now unable to be Supermum and manage everything but now I was a burden physically and financially. In my mind I was letting everyone down and I was haunted by thoughts that my kids would undoubtedly miss out on a lot as I was unable to physically do much.

Some of us have to learn things the hard way. Gradually it has dawned on me through the love of friends, family and my faith that my productivity has nothing to do with my value.

My kids have been my teachers largely; they have an amazing ability to see things as they truly are. When I am in hospital they hate it with a passion because mum isn’t at home. They would have me home as a totally helpless blob if necessary; my capacity to function well to them is virtually irrelevant, they just want me in any condition! It has seemed bizarre to us when I have been seriously ill that they did not appear to have the logic to see how ridiculous their request for me to ‘just come home’ was.

Yep, they have had times when they have felt angry and frustrated by my not being able to join-in as much as they’d want, but that is not their main perspective.

If you could just see yourself as your kids do or through the eyes of others who just love you for who you are, what difference would it make to how you live, to your priorities and attitude to what life is truly about? Would life be as driven? How about your time? When friends want to get together at your home are you mortified at the thought of serving Indian takeaway instead of a Cordon Bleu Dinner? Are you able to just be or are you hiding behind a performance security-blanket?

I know my worth and it’s not based on my finances, health and career. Through having so much taken away that I thought was important to my happiness, I have found my true worth. I have my mobility back and my teaching career which I love but they are just transients, they’re not me! If they go again it is fine because I know am a worthwhile member of humanity, just because … and so are you.

Do you struggle with performance and achievement to give you a sense of self worth?

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